70-02: The Narrative I Can't Stand

00:00:03: Hello and happy welcome to Radically Regulated, our second episode in English.

00:00:12: And I'm really glad you're here today!

00:00:15: So before we really dive into today's topic i wanted to do some housekeeping because I realized that didn't happen on the first episode.

00:00:26: so if you've been following me there is no jingle at the beginning And there is no jingle at the end.

00:00:35: So what I've decided to do and something that will follow through with, Is...I have decided To start focusing more on things That really matter..That make a difference!

00:00:55: And it does not come from me sitting and editing A podcast for an hour because it needs a jingle.

00:01:06: So I decided not to do one, i don't like it!

00:01:10: It wastes my time...it lowers my energy.... we are rolling without

00:01:15: music!!

00:01:17: Because really.. it doesn't matter and I'm so much more into putting some deep inside and thought provocation in here.

00:01:37: Then I'm trying to make this perfect.

00:01:40: All right, so This is at the same time a perfect invitation for you two.

00:01:44: do the same too You know.

00:01:48: just skim through your calendar and be like, okay where am I still trying to perfect?

00:01:53: Where are my so trying?

00:01:55: do things people told me i should be doing because that might sell better.

00:02:01: Because that might more customer friendly And you're just sitting there wasting your energy doing shit you hate.

00:02:10: So Just an invitation Cause You can cut That in a second.

00:02:16: Like right at this moment You Can decide not To Do it anymore.

00:02:21: So, that was short but important housekeeping.

00:02:24: And also as I said last week... ...I will have a fresh episode waiting for you every Friday and now it's a beautiful sapstock article every Monday!

00:02:38: Those are both formats.

00:02:40: when YOU will hear me describe & dive into things a little bit deeper.

00:02:46: AND IF YOU'RE INTO some inspirational, shorter juice.

00:02:52: Please find me on Instagram.

00:02:54: I will put my account into the show notes as

00:02:57: well.".

00:02:58: All right so The thing i really want to talk about today is something that Really makes me wanna go like girl hold My hair because im gonna throw up Right now and That might sound weird but That really sets me off is when I see people talk about trauma as if it were something that does not relate to them.

00:03:32: So what i mean by that, whenever I read articles sometimes even books... Whenever I see some reels on Instagram There is this narrative of the trauma survivals and me, and myself.

00:03:53: The trauma survival experience world as blah blah blah.

00:03:58: or if you're German and your here You will hear die Betroffenen von Trauma.

00:04:07: And really that makes want to like scream around in circles running circles.

00:04:13: And the reason that is it because, It actually does create or recreate the trauma dynamics in a sense of dead division.

00:04:27: so here's you!

00:04:29: The poor you, the poor your trauma victim.

00:04:32: and hear me there healer which has another thing to throw up but I'm not gonna talk about today.

00:04:42: Here's me and there is you.

00:04:43: And I'm here to heal you, in your trauma.

00:04:47: survival on this is why

00:04:48: blah-blah.".

00:04:49: So the reason why really...I truly hate that!

00:04:54: Is because it implies that trauma is something very unusual.

00:05:00: It is something that happens to some people?

00:05:05: And it is something other people don't experience.

00:05:10: So I thought that might be a wonderful topic to actually take with me for today's episode since we're kind of restarting this podcast and tell you what it is the trauma.

00:05:21: Actually, yes so i want u will use every very simple definition in.

00:05:33: this is not my definition.

00:05:35: this something i've learned from one of my mentors from iron line And her definition, and now my definition as well is that trauma... ...is nothing else but stored survival stress.

00:05:51: Okay?

00:05:51: You can write it down if you're this kind of people who really loves to listen to great input and take notes because then you can remember things better.

00:06:00: This is definitely one of the things he want to write down.

00:06:03: Trauma means equals stored survival stress.

00:06:08: It is not the event, it isn't a car accident or being hit by a car.

00:06:15: It's not being chased across street and stabbed with knife whatever you want to call that person who has trauma.

00:06:27: So Trauma just means there There is a certain type of energy that your body is still holding on to.

00:06:43: It's like, it's keeping inside its mind.

00:06:46: I cannot move this i can not get rid off.

00:06:49: you're storing.

00:06:52: and the only reason The Only Reason That A Person Will Store Stress Is Because It Was Not Safe To Release the moment this situation was happening, okay?

00:07:10: So trauma is directly paired to not feeling safe and when we talk about stored survival stress.

00:07:29: When we talked about trauma We very often still think war crimes, soldiers people being blown into the air and all of those really big stuff.

00:07:51: Yes!

00:07:52: This is definitely one of the trauma types if we want to categorize right now this what we would call shock trauma.

00:08:04: Studying all of this, there was a beautiful video by Peter Levine who is founder of Sematic Experiencing which has one of the modalities to work with that stored survival stress.

00:08:17: He worked as a soldier and really was blown into the air!

00:08:22: So what happens when such shock happens?

00:08:31: The system stops The activation, the survival response while it is happening.

00:08:38: It goes into like...into freeze and to shutdown!

00:08:43: It's like all of a sudden their reaction stops.

00:08:48: but it doesn't stop because the energy rode over the peak in all the way down And got integrated..it stops Because it was too much Too soon at the same time and not safe.

00:09:08: So yes, in those shock situations you can have people with stored survival stress and you can work without to integrate that energy because otherwise it's just looking at your system.

00:09:25: Because what we will do as humans is we replicate the things I happen to us because we want wish for this situation to be over.

00:09:42: So if you're looking in activation all the time, it's not because you want to.

00:09:47: It's because there is a desire for this situation to finally be over Because your nervous system when I got caught in the middle of reaction doesn't know that today Is the eighth of July and The situation that happened twenty years ago is Over!

00:10:07: Its like still trying To finalize so-to say.

00:10:12: So if you're someone who has stored a lot of activation, sympathetic energy this is how we call that.

00:10:23: Sympathetic Energy That Fight Flight Response I'm sure have heard about already.

00:10:28: You will be Someone Who Has The Tendency To get inflammation in your body, you will be someone who tends not to sleep through the night.

00:10:39: You'll be someone that tends not fall asleep very well or wakes up at ten and ruminates about... And know what I said six hours ago?

00:10:49: ...you will be somebody who tends to get anxiety attacks!

00:10:55: All of this because it's just too much energy looping into our system.

00:11:01: Alright I told you, i don't like when people have this euth trauma and we without it dynamics.

00:11:15: And then I tell about soldiers in shock.

00:11:18: so yes!

00:11:19: In that case there are people who had certain events happen to them in life That led to having stored a shock energy.

00:11:30: But There is also huge and very underrated, very, very under rated type of trauma.

00:11:42: And I believe there is barely anyone because i cannot know...I can never no hundred percent!

00:11:49: I don't everything..i'm not perfect.

00:11:52: but this why im gonna say barely any one in a western civilization who wouldn't have stored survival stress from that type of trauma, which is early developmental trauma and pre-perinatal trauma.

00:12:13: And so... That means with Early Developmental especially Is it was never safe to be you?

00:12:30: It was never save to express yourself!

00:12:33: You can check out really quickly if your someone who only have a dance party when you're alone at home when your spouse is not watching.

00:12:45: When you're in a car and windows are closed, yeah we were just talking about it on one of my programs.

00:12:52: this was why I'm having an example right now.

00:12:58: if you say yes even though kind me no but then you have that conscious about all the shit like people pleasing I don't even know who I am.

00:13:15: If i allowed myself the true expression, it is probably the reason why and because early developmental...and pre-perinatal especially which is another very unique in special category I find if something was always there..if something was ALWAYS there in your system And always, I mean before the time you could consciously understand it.

00:13:51: If it was always there how would ya know?

00:14:00: Because this is a tricky part!

00:14:12: Oh my god, I don't know what my mom's gonna say that i'm pregnant again with this baby.

00:14:19: I am so angry at her because she doesn't support me.

00:14:25: She always looks at other people and says... And im the baby inside of this womb.

00:14:34: This is how Im being welcomed into this world.

00:14:41: I am marinating in the energy of anger, a fear.

00:14:48: Of uncertainty and what it tiny human being does?

00:14:56: And this is by the way part of my perinatal experience.

00:15:00: This is why i'm sharing this.

00:15:03: What A Tiny Human Does Is You Cannot Dissern.

00:15:07: Oh!

00:15:08: This Just My Mommy Having Her Own trauma reaction feeling uncertain feeling scared of judgment off my grandma.

00:15:19: It doesn't have to do anything about me with it, don't know.

00:15:22: if you need something about me is not about me per se.

00:15:26: I cannot do that.

00:15:27: as a tiny human being and the tiny human thing i take this marinate and automatically automatically think this is me.

00:15:39: I cannot discern myself from a marinade.

00:15:42: And, I can promise you the moment I discovered me coming into this world was always paired with someone being angry at me.

00:16:00: it wasn't my mom being angry but i couldn t have the ability to discern that before The moment I discovered that was the first time, i could be free and welcome myself into this world.

00:16:16: And be welcomed as well because it happened in one of the most beautiful workshops healing workshop ever taken partin.

00:16:25: Can you see where im coming from?

00:16:28: I didn't even know had that feeling But until u come to a healing field of loving presence and people bringing that intention You cannot know because it was always there.

00:16:46: So before I was even born.

00:16:48: I already had this experience that my presence makes people angry Makes people scared.

00:16:58: How the fuck do you show up as yourself?

00:17:00: Like, This is me being a sand-sized person Or maybe...I don't know like very tiny.

00:17:11: and after that You know, if we like... If you think of the tapes We used to have to listen music And you could press this one button and just go forward right?

00:17:24: So if you pressed that button and looked at my life What then happens.

00:17:29: You're three years old!

00:17:30: Go to kindergarten To daycare.

00:17:32: what people did forty years ago is they didn't care if their kids are attached to the Daker person, they just like brought their kids and said bye.

00:17:44: So it's losing the only person not having a feeling of time because little kids cannot discern that as well.

00:17:52: you don't know.

00:17:53: if mommy is gone It feels like mommy died.

00:17:55: Mommy's forever gone Right?

00:17:58: And that's terrifying.

00:17:59: so on top of that prenatal experience You have this daker Experience off of having fear.

00:18:04: your mommy died and you never know who's gonna pick you up and you'll end at some weird place, right?

00:18:11: That's also terrifying.

00:18:13: So what a nervous system does is it always adapts to the environment!

00:18:21: It does that already in the womb as I just gave you the example.

00:18:27: so that means we start masking very early and that means And Dan also being maybe five, six years old and being misattuned to.

00:18:51: You know that when you're partner or feeling really down... ...and actually just need a hug someone tells me I'm sorry this is happening here.

00:19:02: if needed anything If your spouse friend girlfriend whoever Your in-laws Tell you, oh it's not a big deal!

00:19:14: Look at that way.

00:19:15: You could go blah-blah-bluh When they get all cognitive when your emotional It feels shit right?

00:19:23: Because its misattuned Its'not what ya need.

00:19:27: So imagine being tiny person and being mis attuned to all the time Which is almost always the case because so many of our parents were mis attuned too as well And we don't know how to listen.

00:19:42: We only wait until people start talking so we can respond, but we're not really listening.

00:19:48: So...we have those three things I just mentioned right?

00:19:51: My pre-paranatal experience be going to daycare me feeling misattuned too and i remembered this one situation And I think I was five six years old and I remember exactly where I was standing in my room.

00:20:10: And I've had that fear in my mind always, like oh my god we live on this earth.

00:20:17: On this planet and it's just these weird round things i can't fully grasp.

00:20:22: then understand... It was so terrifying to me!

00:20:26: To think that we lived on the planet Earth In a middle of the universe..and only have one thought We could all die in a second ..And I remember standing in my room having that thought And then I kind of like moved my head and brushed it off.

00:20:45: I was, oh don't think about it because It's so terrifying to me!

00:20:51: Do you know what the traumatic part is?

00:20:55: That didn't even occur To go to my mommy that i just had this terrifying thought.

00:21:06: She wouldn't be interested.

00:21:14: Can you see that I'm five six years old and i already think my mom doesn't care, doesn't understand.

00:21:20: Doesn't get me.

00:21:22: So if this is you forty fifty years later Thirty years later choose your number it doesn't matter And have the feeling of like people really don't get Me.

00:21:34: Like they're there and I feel lonely.

00:21:36: The those are very early imprints That You cannot meditate, biohack or journal yourself out of.

00:21:47: Because all those experiencing I just shared with you and those are examples right?

00:21:56: I could talk about these things forever but those example show that this kind of trauma is traumatic because i'm stressed, scared, shoving it down alone.

00:22:16: They always happen in a relationship, and this is very important for you to understand.

00:22:22: And here now if it won't happened In our relationship You cannot heal it in isolation?

00:22:31: You could not feel it in Isolation.

00:22:36: you would never go to a baby or To a five-year old me And tell her, now go sit down meditate for ten minutes.

00:22:44: so the fear you've just experienced of dying because of the planet earth being hit by whatever.

00:22:51: So meditate yourself out it then you will feel safe.

00:22:55: No!

00:22:56: You would go to a child?

00:22:57: You'd offer your loving attuned presence Your shoulder To cry on or what ever is Right.

00:23:07: But when we are working with this type of trauma, and this is the type of Trauma I do Truly believe Almost everybody carries inside of them especially in our Western Civilized world.

00:23:27: I'm not sure it's civilized but i'm just gonna use that word.

00:23:33: So When I tell people you With Trauma And Me Without What I always feel is that the person teaching about trauma doesn't know what he's talking about.

00:23:46: Because dad is not a narrative you want to create.

00:23:50: i'm sitting in the same boat as u. i promise you have been through alot of shit and i know your ban too.

00:23:55: this is why you've done all of them.

00:23:57: work there it out their right personal development stuff all of that.

00:24:02: Nobody does that who's already securely attached and super happy in super fulfilled.

00:24:07: Those people are so mad on social media.

00:24:09: because what we do on Social Media is, we seek connection Because We have wounds that happened in a relationship And we try to heal them right?

00:24:27: So only two show you how the work with that.

00:24:32: very shortly.

00:24:33: I want you to imagine live being very linear and this is now how this work works, but we kind of need a model to work with.

00:24:43: I want it to imagine line zero or point zero.

00:24:47: This is U being born And there's the time before and then There was a time after.

00:24:53: So when We wanna Work With this kind Of Trauma Which Is Everywhere?

00:24:58: Alright Let's generalize.

00:25:02: What we need to do is, We Need To Renourish The Parts Of Us That Were Lonely And Scared And Left Alone.

00:25:14: So You Go Back On This Line so-to-say and you work with your nervous system when it was two months old?

00:25:28: When It Was In A Womb when it was five-year old, being terrified.

00:25:34: So you kind of go back and you nourish that part so that it can be integrated into your system.

00:25:42: because what this kind of trauma does is... You're lacking some developmental steps.

00:25:50: I hope that makes sense.

00:25:52: If i'm two years or five year old And didn't have an adult to lead me through certain emotions, situations.

00:26:02: I was alone i was overwhelmed.

00:26:04: nobody taught me how to deal with it and most people don't know because they haven't learned that themselves.

00:26:11: It means...I'm forty years old and still don't what looks like Because time doesn't heal that wound!

00:26:20: I need go back, re-nourish And have a different experience With my avatar mommy Which is ME in the cases of my rooms.

00:26:29: So, I'm getting a new mommy who is attuning to that moment.

00:26:34: To that age and it's never that linear.

00:26:38: but again i need to use the model to make it a little bit clearer...I hope!

00:26:44: And we go there together and you're getting an experience.

00:26:47: this where the system learns.

00:26:49: oh..there was another way of dealing with it.

00:26:53: Oh....i could choose different path.

00:26:55: If u ever saw anyone or maybe its you who gets triggered and behaves like a kid.

00:27:04: Right?

00:27:04: Sometimes we say, ah!

00:27:06: He acts like he or she acts like his too when people get triggered.

00:27:11: why?

00:27:12: because people are being really pulled back into exactly that time And they have no idea how to deal with it under stress and activation Because nobody ever taught them...and this is what the behavior repeats.

00:27:28: So in a sense We finally get to be adults after we have repaired and re-nourished those moments of life where our development was interrupted really.

00:27:43: All right?

00:27:44: And I do truly, truly believe that this is the kind of work no matter how great your life is or good you're feeling – everybody will benefit from it!

00:28:00: And especially if you're dealing with, like higher stakes meetings.

00:28:08: If you have a team to run...if you work people!

00:28:14: Right?

00:28:14: Because as I just told you all of it is relationship.

00:28:21: So if you're still undercharging, If you are still uncertain and show up to like every team meeting because You want to show your great boss?

00:28:28: And you really care.

00:28:28: And you scared people will think...you don't care

00:28:31: right?!

00:28:32: If you Are ruminating about a yes or no..if you're like doubting yourself all of the things People tell you to tap yourself out of whatever!

00:28:44: You were managing dissimptons but now going back To re-nourish & repair That developmental step and this is why you're looking.

00:28:54: And that cost your time, energy or sleep in just the quality of your life.

00:29:00: So if this resonates I am really happy to have a conversation with You To get to know You and see what it's like we can create together.

00:29:11: If you feel Like This is work you've been waiting for Just shoot me at the end On Instagram.

00:29:21: You can find me on Sabstack, or I'll also put my email address in the show notes box.

00:29:29: So yeah that would be great to see what kind of magic we could do and i'm really looking forward to meeting you wishing a beautiful weekend!

00:29:39: And im gonna hear you next week by Radically Regulated.